“So I heard through the grapevine that your neighbor, Dr. Murdock, has written a book!” Malcolm exclaimed.
“Oh really?” Kevin replied.
“Yeah, something called Step Ahead or One Step Forward?” Malcolm did his best to recall the title.
“Stay One Foot Ahead!” Malcolm’s wife, Carrie, said.
“That’s it!” Malcolm winked at Carrie. She smiled back at him.
“I’m sure it will be a best seller. Does anyone want any more cake or coffee?” Kevin’s wife Katie asked.
“I’m ok, what about you honey?” Carrie turned and asked her husband.
“No thanks. I’m full,” Malcolm answered.
“Are the boys ok in there by themselves?” Carrie asked.
“You kidding? They’re fine! I bet they would play video games all night if you let them!” Kevin laughed.
“ I bet they would!” Malcolm agreed.
Katie reached over and grabbed some of the empty plates on the table. Carrie quickly rose to her feet and began to help Katie clean the dishes. Katie was about to protest but Carrie was adamant about helping.
When the wives went in to the kitchen, Malcolm turned to Kevin, flashing an uneasy smile. “ I wanted to use this time to tell you something.”
“What’s that?” Kevin asked, starting to feel slightly concerned.
“I have accepted the principal job at Carver High,” Malcolm sheepishly admitted.
“Wow! Congratulations!” Kevin forced a smile as he looked at his assistant principal.
“You don’t seem very happy,” Malcolm said.
“Well, your departure is going to make my job a lot more difficult,” Kevin revealed.
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Malcolm smiled.
“You should. You are by far the best Assistant Principal I have ever had,” Kevin admitted.
“Well, thank you! I have to say that I’ve learned a lot working with you,” Malcolm exclaimed.
“Kevin! “ Carrie suddenly exclaimed as she returned to the table.
“Yes?” the disappointed principal of Cedar Hill Middle School replied.
“ I have to say your neighbor’s yard is absolutely gorgeous!” Carrie announced.
“Oh yeah? Which one?” The smile on Kevin’s face evaporated instantly.
“Murdock’s house,” Katie replied.
“The author?” Malcolm asked.
Kevin felt his heart drop to the floor. The one thing that he really took pride in was his yard. It was his pride and joy and he couldn’t stand anyone else upstaging him in the neighborhood. He went to great lengths to ensure that he had the most beautifully landscaped yard in the area. His biggest rival was Charles Murdock, the new author and accomplished podiatrist. Hearing someone compliment his lawn made the principal’s ears burn.
————————————————————————————————————–
“Aww! You guys didn’t have to do this!” Dr. Charles Murdock said as he walked through the entrance of the bar for happy hour.
His whole staff cheered when the brand new author walked over to their table. A banner hung from the ceiling that said,” Congratulations on becoming an author!” Dr. Murdock stopped in his tracks and stared at it for a few moments.
“Really?’ He announced as he pointed to the banner. “ Who risked their health putting that up? Whoever it was really is pushing the limits of our health insurance policy. Falling from putting up a banner for your boss probably isn’t covered!”
“Rita did it!” A voice from the back shouted.
“I used to be an acrobat in the circus!” Rita added.
“You mean a circus besides our office?” Dr. Murdock smirked.
Several people chuckled at this comment. The bartender laughed as well, enjoying the podiatrist’s humor. Several beers began to make their way through the crowd as Dr. Murdock made his rounds to thank everyone that came.
The drinks began to flow and soon many of Dr. Murdock’s coworkers were intoxicated. One by one, they left as happy hour came to a close. Soon, the podiatrist was drinking by himself at the bar. He wasn’t alone for long, however, he was joined by a man who had been drinking alone in the corner.
“You ok with a little company?” The man asked the new author.
“Sure,” Dr. Murdock said as he drained the rest of his drink.
“Let me buy you a beer! My name is Max Reeger by the way,” Max offered his hand to the inebriated doctor.
“Charles Murdock, nice to meet you,” Dr.Murdock replied as he shook Max’s hand.
“Nice to meet you, Charles Murdock. I have to say I’ve seen you before,” Max said.
“Oh yeah? How so?” Charles turned to his new friend, succumbing to his curiosity.
“You live on Stagecoach Drive?” Max asked.
“As a matter of fact I do,” Charles turned in his seat to get a better look at his new friend.
“Well, meet your new neighbor! I just moved there about a month ago with my wife and daughter!” Max exclaimed.
Both men grabbed the fresh beers that were brought to them and proceeded to drink heavily. They were laughing and it was obvious that they were enjoying each other’s company. At one point in the conversation, Max turned to face Charles and looked him right in the eye.
“You want to do a shot?” Max wondered.
“You name it. Tequila sound good?” Charles asked as he raised his hand to flag down the bartender. After he ordered the shots, he turned to Max.” I want to ask you a question and I would like you to be honest with me.”
“Sure!” Max agreed.
“Out of all the houses in the neighborhood, which yard do you think looks the best?” Charles braced himself for a response that he might not like.
“You said to be honest,” Max reminded his neighbor.
“Yes. Please,” Charles requested even though deep down inside he didn’t want to hear any other answer besides the one that praised his landscaping.
“I think yours is really nice, but if I had to be honest, I would have to say that your neighbor’s yard is a little better,” Max sheepishly admitted.
“Oh, ok,” Charles answered, struggling to contain his disappointment at the answer he received even though he requested that he be honest.
“You look upset. Don’t get me wrong, your yard is amazing!” Max did his best to cushion the disappointment that his new neighbor might be experiencing.
“ I just take tremendous pride in my lawn. It is kind of a passion of mine,” Charles explained,
“That’s awesome! That’s so refreshing to have neighbors that give a shit how their lawn looks, I’ve lived in neighborhoods before when that wasn’t the case. Sure brings down the property value when people don’t give a shit how their lawns look,” Max explained.
“I couldn’t agree with you more,” Charles nodded.
“Hey, you know, I think I might have the answer you’re looking for. As a matter of fact, I’m positive I do.” Max confidently stated.
“The answer to what?” Charles asked, fighting to keep his head up and avoid the intrusive effects of the alcohol.
“To your landscaping issues,” Max said.
“My landscaping issues?”
“Yes. Didn’t you just tell me that it was your passion? Don’t you want to have the best looking yard in the whole neighborhood?” Max looked into the podiatrist’s eyes.
“Yes,” Dr. Murdock moved closer so he could hear every word his new neighbor was about to tell him.
“Have you ever heard of the dark web?” Max discreetly asked.
“I have,” Charles replied.
“Good. I happen to know a website where you can buy things to enhance the beauty of your lawn. This is a cheap solution that doesn’t require you to break your back is what it really is. I guess that’s the best way to put it,” Max looked over both shoulders before finishing his sentence.
“Tell me more.” Charles had an intense look that only seemed to feed Max’s enthusiasm.
“ The name of the website is called. “ The Black Market Botanist.” Whoever that is is an absolute wizard when it comes to concocting formulas to enable plants to grow to its fullest potential, along with other benefits. Believe me, you will thank me for this. Let me give you the link,” Max pulled out his phone. Just as he was about to send the information to the new author, he paused.” I must be wasted, man. I need your number, first!”
Charles told Max his number and the link was sent. They talked and drank a little more before they had to go home to see their wives. Dr. Murdock was overly optimistic, infused with the notion that he was about to have his dream come true and have the nicest lawn in the neighborhood once and for all.
Roughly an hour later, Charles finally arrived at home. In his drunken stupor, he made his way down the stairs and headed to his office in the basement of his house. Wasting no time, even though he was hindered by the fact that he was severely drunk, he pulled up his chair to his computer. Smiling, he found his way to the link, followed the prompts and bought what Max had told him to buy. When he was finished, he leaned back in his chair and a few minutes later he was passed out.
The next morning arrived quickly, its sunlight not able to reach the budding author in his office at the bottom floor. Charles was eventually awakened by the sound of his wife’s voice along with the voices of his three teenage daughters getting ready for school.
“Where’s my jacket mom?” One of the girls shouted from the top of the stairs.
“I don’t know! Where did you leave it?” Her mother shouted.
Charles leaned closer to his desk, still firmly entrenched in his chair. It was only when his wife told him that he had a package on the front steps did he finally remove himself from his office. Rubbing his head, he carefully ventured up the stairs until he arrived in the kitchen.
“Wow! What happened to you dad?” One of his daughters asked as she accepted her lunch from her mother.
“Nothing,” he hissed.
“Looks like someone had a rough night,” The other daughter said as she took her lunch.
“Aren’t you going to be late for the bus?” Charles croaked.
“No, but we’re leaving anyway,” the first daughter replied.
“There’s a package here for you. Dad!” The youngest daughter exclaimed as she headed out the door.
All three daughters as well as their mother bid Charles farewell as they headed off to school and work, respectively. Charles’s wife kissed him on the cheek, congratulated him on his new book and forgave him for being so hungover, especially in front of the children.
Soon after they left and Charles had a couple of cups of coffee, he turned to the package. He couldn’t believe that he had just ordered this package the night before and it was already here. Charles finished his third cup of coffee before opening the box. He followed the directions and applied the contents of the box to his lawn. It was just as easy as Max said it would be.
After he was done applying the oily substance all over his lawn, he stood in front of his house. He surveyed the grounds and admired its beauty. After viewing his yard, he turned his attention to his neighbor, Kevin Carter, the middle school principal and sighed.
“My lawn still looks better but after this, it will be the best in the neighborhood as it should be,” Charles said to himself. Taking one last look over his shoulder, he finally turned around and headed inside closing the door behind him.
He walked into the living room and sat on the couch. After searching for the remote, still with a full blown hangover, he cursed out loud. He hated when the remote wasn’t in the place it should be, but with three teenage daughters, this was a constant battle. As he moved around on the couch, he felt something protruding from the cushions. He reached around and pulled the remote from the crevice in the couch and aimed it at the television. Shortly after choosing a show, he immediately fell asleep.
The sounds of backpacks colliding with the tiled floor by the front door, woke up the tired podiatrist. Blinking several times, he finally sat up straight. Running his hands through his rapidly thinning hairline, he rose to his feet.
“Dad! What happened to the lawn?” His daughter Samantha asked. The other two daughters had invaded the kitchen, leaving a mess in their wake.
“Looks great doesn’t it?” Charles proudly declared.
“Uh, are you kidding?” Samantha shot her father a look that immediately brought him directly to the doorstep of a panic attack.
“What are you talking about?” Charles rushed to the front door and stumbled outside.
The sight that lay in front of him absolutely drained the color from his face as his heart dropped to the floor. What was a pristine and beautiful lawn, now was something that looked as if it was out of an apocalyptic movie. The gorgeous porcelain fountain that served as the centerpiece for Dr. Murdock’s pride and joy, was faded and cracked. The lines of meticulously pruned rosebushes were now dead. Every ounce of joy and beauty that once resonated from every corner of his meticulously landscaped property reeked off neglect and weeds. The whole yard looked as if it belonged to an abandoned junkyard.
Charles wanted to scream, but nothing happened. The words that he wanted to say, never materialized. The sight that lay in front of him was something beyond his worst nightmare. The impending panic attack that seemed looming on the horizon became something else entirely. Before he could even begin to attempt to assess the damage, he heard a familiar voice calling his name along with some hearty laughter. With an evil glare, he turned to see who it was that wanted his attention at such a devastating moment.
“Hey Charlie!” His neighbor, Kevin was making his way up the walkway that now looked like a decrepit path to nowhere.
Before the flustered podiatrist could say a word, he noticed something that made his heart sink even more. Walking alongside Kevin was Max, the man that he had been drinking with at the bar the night before.
“Hey! What do you know! There he is! The next John Grisham! How are you feeling? You were throwing ‘em back like a champ last night!” Max exclaimed.
“What the hell are you doing here? What the fuck happened to my lawn?” Charles growled. He felt the rage rise from deep within as he alternated his death glare between the two men.
“I want to introduce you to someone, Mr. big shot author!” Max laughed.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Charles impatiently asked.
“I want you to meet the Black Market Botanist!” Max pointed at Kevin and broke out into even more hysterical laughter.
“What the hell is this?” Charles looked at Kevin.
“I just wanted to thank you personally for supporting my online business. Max and I greatly appreciate your purchase!” Kevin joined Max, laughing hysterically.
Charles felt his blood run cold as he watched the two men hold each other up from laughing so hard. They turned around and walked back down the walkway, leaving Charles absolutely devastated.