“ Here we go again! I’m the first one! I am beginning to think its physically impossible for me to be late!” Texas Ray proudly declared.
“ Hate to tell ya mate, but it is possible because I was here first,” Nigel from Down Under replied as he flashed his jagged tooth infested grin.
“ Now that there is hard to believe,” Ray said in a skeptical tone.
“ Would you care to elaborate?” Nigel asked.
“Well I don’t know about all that but I will say that knowing your issues with directional currents and always seem to be having the tendency to always pick the wrong one, it blows my mind that you made it let alone made it here before me,” Texas Ray explained with a distinct look of doubt.
“ That isn’t entirely true! I have traveled the correct currents from time to time,” the old shark’s voice trailed off by the end of the sentence.
Before Texas Ray could delivered his response, a large cluster of bubbles emerged from the depths almost acting as a precursor for something more. “ I have to tell you both that you are wrong,” a voice with a distinct Hispanic accent exclaimed.
“ I know that voice!” Texas Ray turned abruptly to Nigel and smiled. “ How many sharks do you know with a Mexican accent?” Ray announced.
“ Esteban? Is that you?” Nigel asked as he glided closer to the sunken ship where they met every year at this same time.
“ Claro que si! Of course it is me! Like Ray said, how many sharks you know with a Mexican accent?” Esteban proclaimed.
“ I actually know quite a few,” Ray claimed.
“ I bet you do. The Gulf is loaded with them,” Esteban added.
“ You wouldn’t believe it!” Ray said.
“ My cousin Guillermo hangs out in your neck of the woods. He tells me that they are everywhere. Guillermo also says that is virtually impossible to get a decent meal. Que lastima! What a shame! There are so many American tourists in that water! You both know how much I love American surfers!” Esteban mentioned happily.
“ Me too! I especially love it when a family or rednecks drive around the beach like idiots before they park right on the edge of the water. Its like bringing the buffet to my front door! Those redneck families never have less than six kids and they all just run blindly into the ocean. And little do they know I am waiting with an open mouth instead of open arms,” Ray paused and laughed.
‘ Y’all! I just made a good joke! Don’t tell me I will be wasting all my good material on you guys the whole trip?” Ray asked in a crestfallen tone.
“ Sorry, that was a good one, mate. I was just thinking about you know who,” Nigel said softly.
“ I was wondering who would be the first one to bring him up,” Esteban said, sounding slightly disappointed.
“ It was only a matter of time. Y’all think he’ll show up?” Ray asked nervously.
“ Are you kidding man?” Esteban asked in disbelief.
“ You already know the answer to that one, mate,” Nigel added. Ray looked at both of his lifelong friends and sighed.
“ I know exactly what you’re going to say. But before you say it, and I am sure I speak for Nigel as well , we all feel the same way about him,” Esteban said.
“ I’ll say it out loud for the cheap seats then. I hope Lewis don’t come,” Ray sighed.
“ No chance of that happening. He will come. No doubt,” Nigel said convincingly.
“ How the hell we going to lose this pain in the ass?” Texas Ray asked his companions.
“ Why don’t we just eat him? Would be easier, no?” Esteban asked.
“ Not a good idea, mate,” Nigel replied.
“ Why?” Esteban asked.
“ Well, for one thing, he’d taste like shit!” Ray exclaimed in obvious disgust.
“ I’d have to side with Ray on this one,” Nigel said.
“ Yeah, he wouldn’t taste any good I think too,” Esteban agreed.
“ Here’s what I think about this. I’m going to tell y’all whether y’all like it or not,” Ray began as he swirled his tail back and forth in the midst of an oncoming current.
“ Tell us mate,” Nigel answered, speaking for Esteban as well who was waiting patiently to hear what Ray had to say.
“ The way I figure it is we don’t at least wait a little while for him to show up we’d be making a big mistake,” Ray kept swimming in lazy circles ss the other two hung on his every word. Esteban was listening but his attention was drifting more and more towards the rather large shipwreck lurking behind them.
“ A big mistake you say?” Nigel asked sounding slightly perplexed.
“ Damn straight,” Ray quickly answered.
“ Porque?” Esteban asked as he darted over from the edge of the shipwreck.
“ What the hell does that mean? Man, I done told you a million times I don’t speak Spanish!” Ray complained.
‘ Why!” Esteban boomed.
“ Why don’t I know Spanish? Well, I’m too old to give a shit about learning new languages or cultures. I just want to eat like y’all do!” Ray said.
“ No! Why is porque! I was asking you why you are thinking leaving before he gets here is a big mistake?” Esteban asked.
“ Shit! Speak to me in English boy!” Texas Ray exclaimed.
“ So you going to tell us why you think it’s a mistake?” Nigel asked.
“ I think it’s a mistake to leave here not knowing if he is here or not and having to look over our shoulders the whole cruise. I’m too old for that shit. So, basically what I’m sayin’ is that if we take the time to wait for him now, we would know for sure if he is here. But more important than that, if he shows up we can persuade him to leave and not waste his time,” Ray explained.
“ How would you presume to do that?” Nigel asked politely.
“ We tell him that this year they changed the booze cruise,” Ray began. “ You see we tell him that instead of young drunk dumb kids that are normally on this cruise have been replaced with retired Senior Citizens. So unless he wants to play Bingo and backgammon with a bunch of old hags, he is wasting his time,” Ray said with a smirk.
“ Damn! You so smart! Look at the big brain on Texas Ray!” Esteban laughed.
“ I have to admit he’s not wrong mate!” Nigel enthusiastically agreed.
“ Don’t get too excited just yet fellas! We ain’t out of the woods just yet,” Ray said as he tried to put a damper on their enthusiasm.
“ Tell us more,” Nigel requested as he swam closer to Ray.
Before Ray could open his mouth, he looked over, under and around Nigel. “ Anything wrong mate?” Nigel asked as his eyes followed Ray’s movements.
“ You’re good, dude. I was just checking on our amigo,” Ray explained as he continued to scan the area.
“ Where the hell did he go?” Nigel asked as he began to survey the area as well.
“ Nowhere! Estoy aqui! I am here!” Esteban announced as he glided through a large hole near the bottom of the shipwreck.
“ You better stay close by and stop following your gut. Don’t get me wrong I would be right with you under normal circumstances but not today,” Ray glared at Esteban who swam over slowly towards Ray.
“ Esta bien. Ok. What are we gonna do?” Esteban asked as he stared directly into Ray’s eyes. “ Just remember man, my back is not like it used to be, tu sabes? So you know, keep that in mind,” Esteban explained.
“ You think you’re the only one? I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. Granted I ain’t got no idea how that feels like but it just sounds bad,” Ray said.
“ From what I gather, you are saying that it would be beneficial for us to at least wait for Lewis to see if he does in fact arrive. This would lessen our overall stress wondering if he would be emerging from the woodwork unannounced, so to speak,” Nigel proclaimed.
“ This guy gets it!” Texas Ray cried. He happily swam in circles moving his tail around wildly.
“ So now that we’re all on the same page here, I have an idea for an activity that will help us pass the time until this clown shows up or until we decide we’ve had enough. So? What’s y’all’s thoughts on this?” Ray said.
Both Esteban and Nigel nodded, urging Ray to continue. Sensing the need to elaborate, Ray revealed his plan. “ Since we’ve all been coming to this annual booze cruise here in gorgeous Rafina, Greece, a place where the local aquatic wildlife is very friendly and respectful until they’re in my gut!” Ray cackled and was immediately joined by his two elderly comrades.
“ No, but seriously. All joking aside, everyone has been kind here like they are every year,” Ray added.
“ Indeed!” Nigel interjected.
“ That being said, I thought it might be interesting for each of us to share the best meal we’ve had in all the years coming here,” Ray explained.
“ All the years? That’s gonna be hard. There’s been so many,” Esteban recalled as he quickly swam in circles.
“ Dude, just pick one. It don’t even have to be your best one! Just tell us one! That sound good to y’all?” Texas Ray asked as he looked at both of his friends.
“Yes,” Esteban and Nigel simultaneously replied.
“ I’ll start if y’all don’t mind,” Ray began. Esteban was listening but he also had one eye on some fish who were passing along side the edges of the shipwreck. Nigel noticed this as well but was more intent participating in Ray’s activity.
“ Go right ahead,” Nigel said while Esteban nodded. Ray and Nigel noticed what Esteban was looking at and they were thinking the same thing. They were all hungry elderly sharks whose hunting prowess had diminished significantly through the years.
“ Well it was awhile back, can’t quite recall the year. As a matter of fact, can’t recall a whole hell of a lot these days so I ain’t surprised. Any way, there was this one time one year when I was here with y’all and I got real lucky. I was just following the boat like we always do, watching the fools dancing around on the deck all drunk and admiring how beautiful the water is. I know y’all have been to the Gulf of Mexico before so you know what the hell I’m talking about!” Ray said. They both nodded as they continued to listen to his story.
“ Like I was saying, I was minding my business and I noticed something. What looked a man and a woman were having a heated argument were starting to get physical with each other. I remember feeling all warm inside because I knew I was finally going to get a decent meal. The couple looked European which is a delicacy for me since I’m from the shitty Gulf of Mexico. Don’t get me started on that again, please. So I keep watching them and daydreaming until the moment comes that I had been waiting for. The woman attacked the man and somehow managed to slip and fell over the railing into the ocean. Y’all, I can’t even begin to tell you how big the smile was on my face. But it was big, let me tell ya! So I hear both of them screaming but I was only paying attention to the one screaming as she landed in the water. You know as I think about it I was actually doing her a favor. If I didn’t grab her, she would have most definitely ended up in the propellors. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have eaten her anyway but I like to prepare my own food. I know y’all know exactly what I’m saying.
“ We do indeed,” Nigel remarked.
“ So what I was thinking that they were newlyweds on their honeymoon and apparently let the booze get the best of them which isn’t a big surprise which fortunately provided me with one of the best meals I’ve had,” Texas Ray fondly recalled.
“ Best meal you’ve ever had? Really? And you forgot to invite little old me or did you rather conveniently forget to?” A voice asked from behind a cluster of newly formed bubbles.
A silent collective groan was mutual amongst the three old sharks as they all realized the owner of the voice. The shark that they all had been waiting for arrived out of nowhere. Ray hung his head as he realized if he wasn’t babbling about eating one half of a honey mooning couple, he might have been able to see him coming. This was the general consensus between Nigel and Esteban as well as they both shot him quick nasty glances.
“ So allow me to be the bearer of bad news. A job that never seemed to bother me. Not like it would bother you old ladies!” Lewis giggled as he scanned the three other sharks. “ Looks like you had a little accident there, Nigel!”
“ What do you mean?” Nigel asked as he felt his anxiety surge.
“ That mark on the side of your snout! It wasn’t there last year, was it?” Lewis asked with a smile.
“ I had a run in with a jet skl but it is of no business of yours really,” Nigel replied in a condescending tone saturated in disdain.
“ With your sense of direction, why doesn’t that surprise me? Hola Esteban? Any problems getting through customs?” Lewis asked.
Before Esteban could reply, Ray shot Lewis an ugly glare. “ So, Lewis, you show up here bragging about how you love to be the bad guy or bearer of bad news or some bullshit. So now we want to know what the hell you’re talking about,” Ray stated which reeked of threatening undertones.
“ You were always quite the wordsmith, Ray. You can take the shark out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the shark. It goes something like that, doesn’t it?” Lewis exclaimed.
“ For the love of Jesus will you just tell us the bad news?” Ray asked in an exasperated tone. His animosity for this shark was becoming increasingly difficult to contain.
“ No worries! Eh mate?” Lewis laughed heartily while he directed his comment directly to Nigel.
Nigel felt his blood began to boil with each passing second he had to be around this idiot. He silently wondered for a second if the three of them could take him. His thoughts were immediately interrupted as Lewis decided to reveal his bad news.
“ Well I did you fags the favor of coming here to meet you guys like we always do. I thought maybe I should sit this one out but these booze cruises are just lovely. So, I have heard from several sources that these booze cruises will be more like bird watching cruises or floating retirement homes.” Lewis explained in a profoundly disappointed tone.
“ You mind tell us what in the Sam Hill you’re talking about?” Texas Ray boomed.
“ Sure Ray. You know now that I think about it this is actually good news for you guys,” he explained.
“ How’s that?” Ray asked angrily.
“ Well, since it is now a senior citizen booze cruise, you three old farts will fit in nicely. Any way, its been a delight as always. However I have to say I am missing out right now by wasting my time with you ladies. I have a wedding off the coast of Athens to attend and I have a really good feeling I will get lucky. So, I won’t be traveling with you this year. Good luck and don’t get food poisoning. The old ladies eat a lot of applesauce and milkshakes on those cruises. Hopefully your stomachs will prevail. Good luck!” Lewis laughed as he turned around and blasted himself into the open ocean like a German World War 2 torpedo.