“Are you sure about this, Olga? you want to part with Hitler? Wow that didn’t sound good,” Mitch giggled slightly. He stood on his elderly neighbor, Olga’s porch.
“Oh yes. Thank you for taking him,” Olga politely responded.
“Hitler is a cheap bastard! Cheap bastard!” the shrill voice of the loquacious parrot filled the air.
“Oh my! I hope you don’t mind all the insults and the swearing,” Olga nervously exclaimed. She briefly looked over both shoulders and listened carefully for the parrot. After a few moments of silence, Olga cracked a slight smile.
“He’s quiet now,” Mitch observed.
“For now,” Olga quickly replied. “Please follow me,” she gestured Mitch to follow her into her house.
“Hitler has a microscopic penis! Really small!” The parrot started shrieking while Olga rolled her eyes.
“Wow! A little too much information there!” Mitch laughed.
“You’ll get used to it,” Olga replied. Mitch just smiled and nodded.
“Is that all the stuff I need?” Mitch asked as he glanced over at the kitchen table. He wanted to change the subject and get out of there with the parrot as soon as possible. While he waited for her answer, he slowly began to make his way across the cluttered floor under the assumption that his guess was indeed correct.
“Yes,” Olga answered.
“Fuck Churchill!” the parrot named Hitler screamed.
“All this stuff?” Mitch asked as he surveyed the contents that were strewn across the table.
“Yes. If you aren’t quite sure, check to see if there is a sticker on it that says Hitler,” Olga explained.
Mitch nodded as he sorted out the items that had the Hitler nametag on them. As he gathered everything that he needed, he glanced over at Olga. She rose to her feet and walked down the hallway. He stood still and waited for her to return with what he assumed would be the parrot.
“Put me down, you old hag!” Hitler screamed as Olga gingerly transported him to the kitchen.
She looked at Mitch as she let Hitler hop on to his perch. “You said you had one of these in your house?” Olga asked Mitch.
“Yes. I think I told you that I used to have a parrot?” Mitch gently reminded his elderly neighbor.
“Oh yes now I remember. I think I recall you saying that your wife took him in the divorce?” Olga mentioned.
“Yes. Don Rickles. I miss him every day,” Mitch reminisced out loud.
“Old hag! Old hag!” Hitler squawked.
“To be honest with you, it is nice to have an exotic bird like Hitler here, but his language is very salty and many times he is downright rude and offensive!” Olga hissed as she turned and stared at Hitler.
“Rude bitch!” Hitler squawked. “Old hag! Rude bitch!”
“Any way, I’m sure you can see why I am giving him to you,” Olga confidently stated.
“Yes, I completely understand. You don’t have to worry, Hitler’s in good hands,” Mitch paused for a second.” Sounded weird again.”
“Bye Bye , you old hag! Don’t die when I’m gone!” Hitler squawked.
“Thank you again for taking him,” Olga smiled.
“My pleasure,” Mitch replied kindly.
“Churchill’s a fag! He’s gay!” Hitler screeched.
“I wonder how long it will be,” Olga muttered under her breath as she walked in the other direction.
“Excuse me?” Mitch asked.
“Did I say something? Must have been mumbling to myself, dear,” Olga smiled.
“Are you sure you don’t need any money or anything?” Mitch asked.
“Bye old hag!” Hitler screeched. Olga just turned and walked away. Mitch took the parrot and was soon on his way home.
Mitch made sure the bird was positioned in the back of his car to the best of his ability and proceeded to head back to his house. He leaned over and turned on the radio after rolling down his window.
“Where are we going? Who the fuck are you? Where are we going? Who the fuck are you?” Hitler repeated.
Mitch listened to Hitler and then leaned forward and turned down the radio. “Your new home,” he told the talkative parrot.
“Bye old hag! Who the fuck are you?” Hitler asked.
“Your new boss,” Mitch replied and laughed. Hitler laughed as well. Mitch looked up at the rearview mirror.
Mitch laughed as he turned up the radio even louder. Hitler still complained. After an uneventful ride, Mitch pulled into his driveway. Turning the music down, he looked into the backseat and stared at Hitler.
“We’re home now,” Mitch told the bird.
“Bye old hag!” Hitler cried.
“Yup, you can say that again,” Mitch said as he proceeded to get out of the car to bring the African Grey parrot into his new home.
“Bye old hag!” Hitler screeched.
The next week involved some growing pains on behalf of both parties. Mitch couldn’t believe how much more talkative and ruder this parrot was than the one he lost in the divorce. He also couldn’t believe how many times the parrot referred to him as an asshole.
The next weekend arrived, and he hadn’t realized that he hadn’t seen his girlfriend in a long time. He had been preoccupied with the parrot, which was something that didn’t make her happy. She didn’t particularly care for the last parrot he had, and she struggled to contain her joy when she found out that he was giving his parrot back to his ex-wife. So, needless to say, she wasn’t exactly thrilled at her boyfriend’s recent acquisition.
After a lengthy discussion which involved a great deal of pleading from Mitch, his girlfriend, Luisa, agreed to come over on Saturday night. Mitch hoped that Hitler would maybe be quieter if he hid him in the back of the house, but he couldn’t have been more wrong.
“Churchill is gay! So is Mitch!” Hitler shrieked.
Before Mitch could address the bird’s allegations, the doorbell rang. He looked back at Hitler and shook his head. The doorbell rang again as Mitch quickly made his way to the door.
“Open the door, asshole!” Hitler squawked.
“I don’t know if its possible, but do you think you could keep the swearing down? My girl is at the door,” Mitch asked as he found himself pleading with a bird.
“Fuck you! Who the hell are you anyway? Bye old hag!” Hitler screeched as Mitch winced.
The doorbell rang a few more times as Mitch stood in the middle of the room, dumbfounded. After one more ring, he broke from his trance and headed over to the door. Standing in the doorway was Luisa Delgreco, his thoroughly irritated girlfriend.
“Wow! Really nice of you to open the door! I thought I was going to have to call the landlord!” Luisa exclaimed amidst her incessant gum chewing and bubble popping.
“Hey honey!” Mitch smiled at his girlfriend who failed to return the favor.
“Bye old hag!” Hitler screeched.
“What the hell did that stupid bird say to me?” Luisa asked with an astonished look.
“I said bye bitch!” Hitler shrieked.
“It’s more like bye bird and his new boyfriend!” Luisa screamed at Mitch and then turned and stormed out of the house, slamming the door so hard that she knocked three pictures onto the ground with one of them breaking in half.
“Maid is off today! Who’s going to clean it? Who’s going to clean it?” Hitler noisily exclaimed.
“Who do you think, asshole? You’re looking at him!” Mitch snapped.
“Asshole? Looking at an asshole?” Hitler squawked.
“Yup. You’re right! I am the asshole for bringing you into my home and allowing you to ruin my life! Your days are numbered, asshole!” Mitch cried. The bird started rattling off a bunch of incoherent comments that didn’t make much sense to Mitch, especially since he wasn’t listening. He retreated to his room and slammed the door shut. This wasn’t as loud as when his girlfriend slammed the door a few moments earlier, but it was still forceful enough to knock another picture off the wall.
Mitch prepared for bed, still irritated about how things went with Luisa. As he threw his dirty clothes into his already overflowing laundry basket, he thought about the root of all his problems and how all of it could have been avoided if he hadn’t adopted that parrot. He shook his head as he remembered the fact that Olga even warned him, and he wouldn’t listen to any of her concerns about the bird’s profanity and his habit of hurling insults at whoever happens to be standing near him.
The next morning arrived exactly on time like it did every single day. Mitch slowly emerged from under the covers and made his way to the bathroom. Upon flushing the toilet, he entered the living room. Hitler was staring right at him with his charcoal grey eyes. Hitler blinked several times and opened his beak as wide as he could. Mitch watched in disdain as the parrot slipped his jet-black tongue on one of his lime green feathers.
“Buried treasure! Old hag’s back yard!” Hitler squawked.
“What?’ Mitch asked, the bird suddenly catching his attention.
“Backyard. Olga’s house. Buried treasure,” the parrot said clearly.
“So, you’re saying there is buried treasure in Olga’s backyard? The old lady that you used to live with. Next door?” Mitch asked.
“Old hag!” Hitler shrieked.
“Hahaha! Yeah! Old hag! That’s right!” Mitch chuckled.
The parrot squawked a few times which most likely served as its version of laughing. Mitch looked at the bird for a second and had a strange thought. It seemed like the bird almost knew that it was going to be booted from his new residence. Figuring out that it was probably better here than back at her house, he decided to throw out the buried treasure line to save face.
“Don’t you want the buried treasure?” Hitler asked.
“Of course I do! But it doesn’t take a private detective to see that you are completely full of shit!” Mitch said. He chuckled again, this time with a heartier edge.
“Don’t believe me? See for yourself! Don’t believe me? See for yourself!” The parrot eagerly exclaimed.
“So, you want me to go and steal the treasure? Do you have any more specifics?” Mitch asked. For a second, a strange feeling came over him which he could only categorize as embarrassment if there were anyone else around. The feeling of trying to have a conversation with a big, mouthed bird and hanging on its every word trying to figure out if the buried treasure that he was talking about was indeed real.
“Ok, then. When are we going to go?” Mitch asked defiantly, still trying to come to grips with the fact that he was talking to a bird.
“Tonight! Midnight! Old hag Olga! Remember to bring a shovel unless you want to dig with your hands!” Hitler shrieked.
“You bring the flashlight! I’ll see you tonight at 12:00,” Mitch informed the cheeky parrot.
“Bring the flashlight! You bring the flashlight! You bring the shovels!” Hitler squawked.
“Yeah sure, why not? I’ll bring everything,” Mitch replied in a salty sarcastic tone that unfortunately would fall on deaf ears since he was certain that a parrot didn’t understand sarcasm. However, he couldn’t say for certain.
The night came soon, and the curiosity was starting to eat Mitch alive. He was pacing around the kitchen, playing out all types of hypothetical scenarios in his mind concerning what he would do if he did find some buried treasure in his neighbor’s backyard.
“First the parrot, then her life savings. Not a bad score at all,” Mitch said out loud as he chuckled once more.
The time had finally come, and the parrot assured him that it would be very easy to find and all he really had to do was dig and then carry the treasure chest when they locate it. Mitch eventually understood what the parrot was talking about and what part of the lawn had the treasure.
By the bright light of the brilliant midnight moon, Mitch and the parrot, who was surprisingly quiet, went to work. Not more than five minutes after Mitch inserted the shovel into the ground, Olga’s voice rang out in the midnight sky.
“So, he fell for it didn’t he?” Olga said as she smiled directly at the bird.
“Old hag!” Hitler affectionately squawked.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Mitch asked, sounding totally bewildered.
“You got my parrot so you could find out where my buried treasure was! But we got you!” Olga cried. Hitler heckled Mitch as well. The two were very proud of themselves, thinking that they caught Mitch red-handed trying to find the treasure for himself.
Mitch threw down the shovel and looked at Olga first then glanced over at the bird. Their silhouettes were all he could see through the partially illuminated darkness.” You think I was after your money the whole time? You used the bird to pull this off?” Mitch asked Olga, still looking extremely bewildered.
“Of course! And I was right too! Look at you with that shovel in your hand all ready to dig!” Olga shouted.
“Cops are on the way! Cops are on the way!” Hitler screeched.
“I’m not here to steal your money!” Mitch cried. He looked around as he felt his anxiety begin to mount.
“Tell that to the police!” Olga laughed as she pointed to the red and white sirens heading towards them.